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I am the first awake on a Sunday. My chest is heavy with anxiety. I have got some Sunday feelings.
I made my latte and decided to just write about them. Maybe it will help.
Anxiety To-Do List
My life would be so much easier if instead of thinking and worrying about all the things I need to think and worry about, I would just actually do the things I keep thinking and worrying about. You know? It is almost like I have a “things I need to be anxious about” list.
These are some of the things that have been heavy on my mind lately and have made it so hard to focus:
- Vacation: After my dad passed, I decided to use the money I had been saving up from the blog and Instagram account to help with his care and rent a house by my aunt and uncle in Florida for my family.
- My uncle is my mom’s only sibling. We were always very close to them and have missed them so much. They have always felt like parents to us and I think we just need a reminder that even though we do not have parents left, we still have a family.
- I know this is weird to think like this. I just can’t describe what it is like to not have parents at 35. Missy is 34. My brother is 30. We have each other, and I am so grateful for that. However, as some of my followers have expressed – it is weird to be at the top of the adult food chain.
- There is so much to do. I love going on vacation. I do. But I hate preparing for vacation. The cleaning. The packing. The constant fear of forgetting something. I do realize it is a privilege to even be able to afford a vacation right now. Or even take the risk to go on one during COVID. That makes me anxious too. What if this is the wrong decision? But my heart is saying I need to do it.
- Work: I love my full-time job. I just have a lot of projects going on right now, so it has been difficult to work all day at work and then try and knock out some projects I have for My Sister Made Me Buy It. I am just exhausted.
- My Sister Made Me Buy It: I have no idea what it is like to own a small business. While I do not have any employees, My Sister Made Me Buy It is still a LLC and business. I have no idea what I am doing. I just thought this would be a hobby account. I never expected to be at almost 15k followers. Right now I can’t stop thinking about:
- Taxes: Getting everything together for taxes. Finding an accountant. Understanding what the heck I am supposed to be doing.
- Blog Posts: I always have all of these ideas in my head of what I want to explore or do. But they always take up so much time. The research. Creating graphics or taking photos. Linking. Right now I cannot stop thinking about how it is almost one month into 2021 and I still have not put up our favorite finds of 2020. I just overthink everything.
- Growth: I need to sit down and write down some goals for our blog, but currently my goal is to get to 25k followers by the end of the year. Wow. I cannot believe I just put that number out there. It is such a big number.
- In order to get there, I need to do more thoughtful research and blogposts. And networking. And figuring out how to do Instagram Ads.
- My Dad’s Estate: This one is so stressful. There is so much to do. We really wanted to try and go through everything after my mom passed, but there was not enough time. Taking care of him was another full-time job. When we were not taking care of him, we were recovering from the time we did take care of him.
- House Projects: My house is a mess. James and I both have been working from home since March and Rebecca has been doing virtual school since Thanksgiving. It means that there are always dishes to do, messes to clean up, and clutter to organize.
- Nutrition and Fitness: Whenever I read my journals from my youth, I am always so sad for past Sarah. I really did not love myself. And placed a lot of emphasis on how my weight caused every negative thing in my life. Which, for a high schooler, it did not help matters.
- I feel like I have been dieting my whole life. So I try not to diet anymore. I try to just enjoy food in moderation and get the vegetables and fruits I need in a day. I don’t want Rebecca to know what a diet is. I don’t want her to hear something has too many carbs. We teach her about nutrition and trying to eat a balanced diet. I do not know if it is the right thing to do, but I take my queues from Storybots.
- Losing both of my parents when they were only 66 was a wake-up call for me. Nutrition, while not everything, can have a big impact on my health. I have known this. My best friend is a dietician. I took two college-level nutrition classes.
- How do I concentrate on nutrition, while at the same time trying to balance not letting it go to the dark place of dieting? It is a difficult balance.
- Baby steps. Changing habits is hard. So I am setting goals for each week. Attainable goals. Once I reach them, it gives me the confidence to keep going. Although, I must say. My body is NOT used to getting the right balance of food. I upped my vegetable intake last week, and my stomach had a hard time adjusting. Hahah. It is used to Taco Bell and Reese eggs. Not spinach and Cauliflower.
- Personal Development: This is one that is so important to me. How can I help more? How can I be more involved with charitable organizations now that I am no longer taking care of my dad? How can I pass on what I have learned?
- Making time to study systemic racism: I have not had a lot of time to read, but I want to research more. I think I am the most passionate about racial bias in healthcare settings since I studied it a little in my Masters program. Combine that with my love for spreading awareness on Sepsis, and I think I can help here.
Now that I write all of these things out – how do I have time to get anything done? I think the secret is probably time management. I was almost better at time management when I had to be. When every single day of my life was planned out for two years taking care of my dad.
If you read this, thank you. You know, it feels good to get off my chest. If you feel the same way – might I recommend writing it all out?